Just a big ole boob

Okay...got a sneak peek at the breast tests!

The surgeon's office here in town accessed my tests through radiology and gave me my results early...oh ya, I know people y'all. shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

diagnoses: dense breasts

Come'on now! Do I hear a "WOOT WOOT"!!!

Woot, Woot!
Here we go now!
Woot, Woot!
*insert happy dance*


I still have to go to my appointment because I may need to have this thing lopped off. But yippee that at least it's nothing serious!


In other Nicole news....


"A temper tantrum of epic proportions."
Last night, in the midst of teething, no napping and just all round crabbiness...my dad and I FOOLISHLY think it is a GOOD idea to actually leave the house with...

dun dun dunnnnn

Katie.

Um, ya. I don't learn. So happy, happy ice cream time turned into a full on melt down and not from any drippy cones.
I do NOT want my kid to the one running around the Dairy Queen, watching people eat (oooh, I hate that), climbing the benches, screaming or screeching (or both), laying on the floor and doing all things naughty. Nope, not my kid please.
Oh ya, that was so my kid!
Nightmare.

If it was bad, she did it. I was trying to get her to sit in the chair, eat, smile and not make me die a miserable death due to lack of blood to my extremities. Every last drop of blood, in my cheeks. Red. Crimson red.
So there is my Katie, laid out on the dirty DQ floor. Sobbing and crying and sobbing and crying. I ignore her and munch on my burger. Thinking...

"How fast can I scoff back this burger & get to the car before I actually loose in front of all these people?"
"Stop staring at me you idiots!"
"Eat your damn burger dad. Huuuuuurry!"
"Yup, she is totally going to bash her head on the floor and I'm going to have to clean up the blood with wee DQ napkins"
"great. snot everywhere"
"anyone got a gun? anyone? anyone?"

So after our 30 second meal I drag her by her arm (surely pulling it out of its socket) and head directly to the car.

As we leave, Katie gives everyone this big ole grin and says:

"Byyyyyyye! Byyyyyyye!"
*insert queen wave*

Yup, says good-bye to everyone in the restaurant as though nothing had happened.
Ooooooh, the nerve of a toddler!





Bailey, gunsliger of the Wild West
I had gotten home from the gym this morning and thought that since it was 2'c (ya!) I would take Bailey to the "park" and throw her the ball. So I load up fat Bee and off we go.
The "park" is actually a dirt road behind our house where the neighbors let their dogs run off leash. Bailey has too much girth to run but enjoys a good ole game of 'throw the ball'.

On the first throw we loose the ball. Seriously, what dog cannot sniff out a ball in a 3 inch snowdrift? So there's me, digging in the snow, probably in pee, looking for the damn fluorescent yellow ball.
No luck.
Since its a sheet of ice and Katie has done more that one face plant I have an idea.
Let fatso run beside the car. I've never done this before...for obvious reasons but there is no way I'm taking Bailey home hyped up with no exercise.
So Katie and I get in the car.

"Come'on Bee. Run! Go Bee, Go!"

Bailey, standing at my door. Head to the side. "Huh?"

I start moving an inch.

Bailey darts in front of the car. Stands there looking at us.

"Run Bee!"

Looks at me.

"Run Bee!"

Looking.

Oh for the love...of coarse Katie thinks this is hilarious and is laughing so hard I swear she peed her pants.

How do I get this dog to run and not sit in front of my car? I inch forward, she doesn't back down. It's a Western gunsling. Me verses Bee.

Dee deedee deeee...waaaah waaaah waah
Dee deedee deeee...waaah waaaah wAAAH!


Okay, did you get my western music bit there?

So she didn't move. I had to load her up and take her home...super sad, super hyper.
Honestly, did you know that there were some sort of skill required to get your dog to run along the car? I didn't.


So that's it folks.
Stay tuned next week for details of my anniversary date. Hubba Hubba!

later gators!

Wanna see what we look like!?
Katie has such a dorky expression on her face. Seriously.

Today is Valentines Day.
woop-tee-doo

I am spending this Hallmark occasion alone as Kip is working tonight. I am going to get in my pj's, watch TV and become one with the couch. Perfect huh?

This weekend we'll romance it up. It's our 6th wedding anniversary! Hubba, hubba!! Momma wants some loving. Well, actually...momma wants a break from being a momma and vodka. Lotsa, lotsa vodka. Or wine. Doesn't matter. I'll be freeeeeeeeeeee!

Okay. Yawn, I know. My fingers are cold and my couch is saying,
"lay with me you sexy bitch".

Tah Tah!

Squashed

It's boobie day!

Nothing like starting out your day knowing that your going to be felt up and not in the "backseat of the car" kinda way. However, interestingly enough, the prep work is the same. Shave pits, lotion, perfume. Nice bra. Cute top.
Too bad the results aren't as satisfying as a good ole make out session a la teen years.

My doctor was great. Cold hands though. Icicles.

She did feel the lump...only after I showed her where it was though. I guess I have lumpy boobs. Wonder if that was put on my chart?

Diagnosis. lumpy breasts.

Anyways, she just said that lumpy breasts were common after having babies and it just makes it harder to check for the suspicious variety.
She scheduled me for a mammogram and "squeezed" in for this afternoon.


The squash.

Why everyone says it hurts so much is beyond me. Mind you, the tech did say I had a very high pain tolerance and that she was able to get the maximum squish necessary to get good, clear pictures. Yay me! She also said that because the lump moves I should consider it a good sign. Again, a yay!
They took 4 pictures. You get a front squish and a side squash. They flop your girls on the table and literally press the machine down until you say you can't take it anymore. They take the picture fast and then move on to the next angle. Not much to tell really...it was a pretty easy procedure.
I would normally get the results in a week but since my doctor is away I have to wait 2.
That is a long time when one's boobs, be it that they are a lumpy mess, are on the line...doncha think?

So until 14 days pass...

Let's move on!

lumps and bumps

Okay, so I found a pea sized lump on my boob. Eeeek! I made an appointment for Tuesday to get it looked at...just in case.
Very hard to do a breast examine post baby. Things are just not as firm, ya know? My skin is so stretchy and my girls are look'n so "Discovery Channel"-ish now.

sigh.

I wish I would have appreciated my former perky boobs more. I would have done way more to get them noticed. Low cut shirts, bikini tops... BAM, there is Nicole's boobs! niiiiiiiiiice.

Now, I can hardly squeeze them into my L-XL tops!

38 D. Um, ya.

So back to my lump. We got a recent update on an X-girlfriend of Kips. Her name is Jenny and she was on Survivor back in 2005. I remember this because I had to watch her bounce all over the beach in a itty bitty bikini while I was ready to birth my kid. Her perky boobs verses my milking hooters...pass the vodka 'k?
Ironically, turns out she had breast cancer. She lost both her breasts and battled the cancer for 2 years and is now "out of the woods".
So, I was reminded that I am NOT too young for breast cancer and did my not so monthly test.

Lump.

(are you going your breast examines right now? I'll kick some ass if you aren't!)

Anyways, I'll pass on my results come Tuesday. In the meantime, eek out a prayer for me 'k?

~me


Link if you need a visual of Jenny.

http://www.realitytvworld.com/realitytvdb/jennifer-lyon/person-314


http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/survivor-palau-castaway-jennifer-lyon-reveals-she-has-breast-cancer-3760.php

Personal Lubricant

So Kip and I aren't the most fertile people. We take a LONG time to get pregnant and so are not the couple that can get pregnant by sharing soap.
Katie was 2 years...granted most of that time was spent on layovers and split between 2 countries but still...'Baby on the brain' is 'baby on the brain', being on opposite sides of the countries is just a technicality.

So we are trying...again. I got the ole IUD taken out this summer and we've been "not, not trying" for a few months now.

There are two approaches to getting knocked up...

Business or pleasure.

Pleasure sounds great in theory. However, ask anyone who has tried this approach for more than 4 months and they will be quick to tell you that that theory sucks ass. There is nothing fun OR pleasurable about trying to make a baby.

So pleasure isn't panning out over here...lets try business the approach.

Charts, temping, vitamins...you name it. I'm on it! My latest baby making method is a spit test. umm, ya. You spit on a microscope and when you ovulate your spit forms crystal/fern like thingys.
I should mention here that I am not a plant person. I kill plants. Kill them!
Microscopes? Again, not so into science, I was more of a "lunch" kind of student.
Alas, all in the name of pregnancy! I shall spit my way to pregnancy!
Okay...so I order me up some Ovulite (spit test) on Ebay and "Oh Joy!!"

"Buy now and get 5 tubes of Pre-Seed...FREE!"

Score!

Pre-seed is "sperm friendly" lube that makes everything slippery for the little suckers to move about. Its horrible expensive but comes highly recommended. (side note: I guess KY is like DEATH to sperm. Sheesh, who knew?)

Now the wait...
waiting...
waiting...
Hey? Where is ma damn lube?

Phone call from Kips mom. She tells Kip there is a package for me.

Me: (duh. DUUUUUH!!!!). "Ask her to open it!"
Kips mom, Linda, gets package. Father-in-law, Jim, takes over conversation.

Opening said package.

Mom in background says- "looks like something for your spit? A spit test? No, no. Its an ovulation predictor kit."
Jim tells Kip- "its an ovulation thing"
Mom again. "Wait. There is a bunch of other boxes. Let me get my glasses. Um, personal something? Seeds? Oh, its personal lubricant"
Kip, dying on the phone. Me dying.
Jim- "it's what Linda?"
Linda- "it's personal lubricant"
Jim- "what?"
Linda- "p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l lllllllll-u-b-r-i-c-a-n-t"
Jim-"oh?" (insert hysteric laughter)"OH!"
"Kip, looks like there is personal lubricant in there too"


Kill me. Kill me now!

Umm ya. My in-laws found our lube. Yup, lotsa sex...need lube. Tubes and tubes of lube.

The moral here is obvious. Check your mailing address before ordering online!!!


Sincerely,
your Grease Monkey