Personal Lubricant

So Kip and I aren't the most fertile people. We take a LONG time to get pregnant and so are not the couple that can get pregnant by sharing soap.
Katie was 2 years...granted most of that time was spent on layovers and split between 2 countries but still...'Baby on the brain' is 'baby on the brain', being on opposite sides of the countries is just a technicality.

So we are trying...again. I got the ole IUD taken out this summer and we've been "not, not trying" for a few months now.

There are two approaches to getting knocked up...

Business or pleasure.

Pleasure sounds great in theory. However, ask anyone who has tried this approach for more than 4 months and they will be quick to tell you that that theory sucks ass. There is nothing fun OR pleasurable about trying to make a baby.

So pleasure isn't panning out over here...lets try business the approach.

Charts, temping, vitamins...you name it. I'm on it! My latest baby making method is a spit test. umm, ya. You spit on a microscope and when you ovulate your spit forms crystal/fern like thingys.
I should mention here that I am not a plant person. I kill plants. Kill them!
Microscopes? Again, not so into science, I was more of a "lunch" kind of student.
Alas, all in the name of pregnancy! I shall spit my way to pregnancy!
Okay...so I order me up some Ovulite (spit test) on Ebay and "Oh Joy!!"

"Buy now and get 5 tubes of Pre-Seed...FREE!"

Score!

Pre-seed is "sperm friendly" lube that makes everything slippery for the little suckers to move about. Its horrible expensive but comes highly recommended. (side note: I guess KY is like DEATH to sperm. Sheesh, who knew?)

Now the wait...
waiting...
waiting...
Hey? Where is ma damn lube?

Phone call from Kips mom. She tells Kip there is a package for me.

Me: (duh. DUUUUUH!!!!). "Ask her to open it!"
Kips mom, Linda, gets package. Father-in-law, Jim, takes over conversation.

Opening said package.

Mom in background says- "looks like something for your spit? A spit test? No, no. Its an ovulation predictor kit."
Jim tells Kip- "its an ovulation thing"
Mom again. "Wait. There is a bunch of other boxes. Let me get my glasses. Um, personal something? Seeds? Oh, its personal lubricant"
Kip, dying on the phone. Me dying.
Jim- "it's what Linda?"
Linda- "it's personal lubricant"
Jim- "what?"
Linda- "p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l lllllllll-u-b-r-i-c-a-n-t"
Jim-"oh?" (insert hysteric laughter)"OH!"
"Kip, looks like there is personal lubricant in there too"


Kill me. Kill me now!

Umm ya. My in-laws found our lube. Yup, lotsa sex...need lube. Tubes and tubes of lube.

The moral here is obvious. Check your mailing address before ordering online!!!


Sincerely,
your Grease Monkey