Houston! There is a poo *in* the potty!

Warning: In light of today's events, you may want to skip this entry if you are easily grossed out!

So Katie POOPED *IN* the potty today!
In the potty!
Not on the floor, in her diaper, or on the deck...no, no...IN the potty!
Darn near had a stroke from all the dancing and whoopla that ensued! So as I'm doling out the 'potty treats' as a "congrats on your first poop in the potty", my bloody dog...

(you were warned...)

ATE THE POOP!

Yup, she gulped those turds down faster than you could say "potty treats". Oh, oh, the horror of seeing my dog smacking her mouth, happy as a pig in...well, shit. Stupid dog. She has always had a fascination with poop. As a puppy she would gobble up all the frozen turds from the yard and run laps with them dangling out of her mouth. Kip called them "poop-sicles".
My family is so dysfunctional.

Anyways, this is day 5-6 with potty training so I was very proud of Katie! Hooray!

On tap for the weekend. A BBQ on Saturday. That's it. I have promised myself that I would start packing for this move that is coming up in, what, a few weeks. UGH UGH UGH!

Going to barf now...
luv, me

potty manipulation

I'm melting.

It's been over 100'c for the last 3 weeks...no rain...no shade...no air conditioning. Imagine being sticky, hot and grouchy and then strapping a plastic bag to your bum.

Ewww.

So as stupid as we might be, Katie has had a lot of "free bum" time as of late.

(Having said that, MUAH to Costco for providing those Kirkland paper towels that are super soaky and cheap!)

Anyways, being the brilliant mommy that I am, I take out her "Royal Potty"... just to see what happens...and wouldn't you know that she waltzes over and takes a pee on it!

Well, hello! It's party time over here at the Martin's! I'm whooping! I'm woo-woo-ing! I'm dancing! I'm screeching!
(ooops, the window are open and surely my neighbors are dialing 911)

I dole out the "potty treats" (melted M&M's) and cross my fingers that it wasn't a fluke.

Fast forward to day 4 and we are still doing okay! She does much better nude and so adding a pull-up just confuses her into thinking she is in a diaper (which she is). This poses a problem for when we actually have to leave the house.

For instance.

We went up to Calgary to celebrate Katie's "God-sister's" 6th birthday, we brought the potty...just in case. I'm not sure what was more bizarre:

Seeing Katie pee in the potty at Esso...on the front seat of the car!

or...

Going to a birthday party with a potty tucked under your arm!

Of course, Katie has to add her own little twist and manipulation to things. She figured out that by yelling "I need potty" and "I have to pee!" results in us running over to her where she woo'd and rewarded with special treats. Good gig. And obviously this will work amazing when it comes time for naps...bedtime...time outs...getting dressed...eating...

Yup, very handy.

sigh.

Anyways...I'm off to tinfoil my house. Ya, I did say tinfoil...you will see my windows glistening in the scorching, hot sun for miles around. This is what separates the rich from the poor in Lethbridge...tinfoil!

Before I bolt...picture time!

Katie visiting PJ and Lucas

Katie, licking her cake (seriously?) and her God-sister, Maddy.

Bonnie, one of my Best Friends...ever!
She will surely kill me for posting this picture.
pssst. Bon, I like your tits in that top!

lmao!
Bonnie, you KNEW I HAD to comment!

One that note...tah tah!

out of the mouths of asses

I know what you are thinking..."oh isn't she all posty lately".
*raspberry*

I hope it is appreciated that I am able to share utterly horrifying tidbits about my life with all of you Joe Public out there...ummm ya.

So, I'm off to the gym at 8:30 (bloody) a.m. only to find out that nobody has shown up for the childminding center. i.e. No babysitter. Errrr. So while we are waiting, I set up for my weight lifting class all the while keeping an eye on my 2 year old running rampant around the studio.

I am bending over to set up my weights...gravity working at full capacity, mommy boobs and muffin top dangling wildly out of control, lips pursed ready to scream "Katie, no" when...

this lady (whom I have NEVER had a conversation with) says,
"Oh, do I see a bump there?"

stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop!

Did you just?
you didn't? Did you?
Wait, are you talking to me?
Huh?
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.

So I look up, my fat a'hanging and my face beat red and realise that yes. Yes. She IS talking to me. My Bump.

Me: "no, it's just fat." (I truly said that). "Maybe you can call it a post-bump from her" (head nod to Katie). giggle. giggle..........giggle. Crickets.
Lady: blah blah blah (couldn't hear a word for every ounce of blood was throbbing in my face.)
Me: "yup, that's why I am here!"

die...

sqreeeeeeeeech. rewind.
What I should have done was this:

"beyotch!!!!"
bitch slap, bitch slap, bitch slap
upper cut. karate CHOP
WHAM! KAPOW! UGH!

Ya, this lady needed a good ole fashion bitch slap. I mean, are you kidding me? I have NEVER asked someone if they were pregnant. Never. Until that belly is contacting right before your eyes and you see a head...don't ask. Never, ever ask.

To add insult to injury, I am totally red on white...marking our ONE YEAR of trying to get pregnant AND that everyone seems to so utterly fertile lately that if I get one more..."We have news..." I'll vomit.
Can I just say that IF you want to strike up conversation with me, try an opening like "I see you've hacked off 6 inches of hair...cute". So much easier to take than, "hey porky, gotta a bun in there or did you hit the MacDonald's for a whooper before class?"

whatever.

So I was in shatty mood all day yesterday. Wouldn't you know that my afternoon plans included a pool setting, bathing suits and run-in's with old highschool classmates.

Pow. Shoot me now.

So, I'm off to buy some Spanx. Fun, fun!

~chubs~

had to share

Katie has this fascination with private parts and especially my bras. Apparently my brassieres make great toys. Nice
Anyways, today she brings me my bra and says, "mommy? Hide your boobies?"

*in tears*

Where the hell do toddlers come up with this stuff! Love it!

a la CHOP!

Not the best picture but I wanted to show off my new 'do!

So I haven't had time to post and here is why...

LITTLE BLUE BEFORE

...AND AFTER!

Repeat..."I have a vision. I have a vision! Don't panic. Don't panic!!"

Ya, so aside from my whole family melting into a pile of goo...
(it's been 36'c for the last 2 weeks...no we don't have a/c)
...we've been all about "little blue".

Picking colors. Flooring. Kitchens. So overwhelming! So fun!

Anyways, no long post tonight it's too damn hot! I'll be back though...don't give up on me yet!

~It's a good thing~

Better make it a double

This is a face destined for the Vodka bottle. Seriously.
2 weeks of vacation=one cranky child.

Yay, that I am oozing with news...boo, that today is the first day in over a month that my kid will nap. No nap. No Blog!

Starting with...Kip has a new job! He got it the same week we sold our house, it was a crazy week I tell ya! He is an official Telus employee now! Woot! Woot! Yay Kip!

I applied to Jenny Craig and was offered a position there as a program director. Sounded like a good opportunity and the money was a big lure but they wanted me to work split shifts, every Saturday and holidays. Uh, no thanks. I turned down the job but YAY ME for getting an offer.

We went to Oregon for a week on an impromptu get away. We spent a few days in The Dalles with Kip's mom and then headed to Yakima to see his dad.
(I ate a lot, A LOT, of cherries. Really, really a lot.)
Kip and I managed to grab some alone time and even squeezed in a date day in Portland. Gotta LOVE having all those babysitters around...hello! In Portland we hit all of our old dating spots....it was incredibly romantic and much needed. We held hands, shopped, went for lunch...man, if you ever feel like you are in a funk...go to where you fell in love. It was a huge AWWWWWW for us.
Manly, our vacation was letting Katie show off for the Grandparents. And she did, quite well actually. Oh and eating cherries.
Jim and Linda met us back home for a nice week long visit. Again, access to free babysitting is priceless!

So...full circle to the vodka bottle. Um, ya. Good times on holidays followed by a week of "undoing". Hitting. Yup, she picked that up real quick from one of her cousins. Gave me a nice little lump on my nose...weapon of choice, board-book.

Just about killed her.

Time Out.
Time Out.
Time Out.

And sleeping. Or lack there of.

"mommy? coming?"
"I cry mommy"
*thrash, thrash*
"daddy? nap?"
*thrash*
"I cry"
*thrash* *cry* *thrash*

Things appear to be calming down now. Pray for me, my sanity. I'd hate to blog from the loony bin & somehow I doubt that vodka is even on the menu.

I'm currently in negotiations with my hair. I am thinking of doing something drastic like a nice summer CHOP! I had my hair short like that a few times and I feel like it's time for a change. Will post a picture IF I do it. The growing out bit is where I am hesitating. So brutal.

Okay, later gators!

(60 pounds of cherries. Seriously)

(Devoured the book, "A Thousand Splendid Suns" during our road trip. So good! A must read!)

Cheers! Big Ears!

**wink wink Jilly**

The house SOLD!!!
In ONE day!!!
Yahooooo!!!
Yippeeee!!!
Holy Shit!!!

So instead for typing out the whole story, again. I'm going to cheat and copy/paste a message from one of my Facebook comments. (Isn't Facebook kinda of crack-ish? I like it. I like it alot!)

"I feel like the sell is bitter sweet.
The couple we really wanted to buy the house were 23 and 25, just married, wanted to start a family. They looked at the house twice and drove by 3-4 times...totally reminded me of Kip and I when we were just starting out. Imagine paying close to 300,000 for your *1st* house!!!
The other couple were Real Estate agents from Leduc looking to buy a house for their university bound son. So it ended up being a bidding war and the 2nd couple offered $2,000 OVER asking price, no conditions, $10,000 deposit. Ideal offer!!! The cute couple had a decent offer too...900 below asking but with a home inspection that allowed them to walk away if there was over$1500 in damages.
So the strange thing was that the agents presented the offer. The first guy came in, the other guy waited outside...next guy comes in...we discuss, our agent goes outside to tell them our decision. Weird huh? I guess that is normal when there is multiple offers but still Kip and I were feeling kinda celeb-ish.
IF we'd had the time to think we would have worked with the cute couples offer but, the Real Estate couple knew what they were doing and definitely got our attention. So my regret isn't that we didn't pick the best offer (we did) but that I know that the cute couple would have appreciated all the $ and hard work we put into our place...kept the nursery, loved the gardens etc etc. This university dude is going to have parties, paint over the murals in Katie's bedroom and turn her cute nursery into the university sex lair..booooo!
After the deal closed this hot, red car drives up to the house with a bunch of young boys in it... pointing, woot wooting, high fives. Obviously this is the guy who will be moving in.
OMG...our neighbors are going to KILL us!!!!
So, ya. I feel YAY and BOO at the same time...does that even make an bit of sense?"

Okay...that is gist of the story. We move out August 17 and straight into my parents basement suite...eeeeek...and hopefully little blue will be done by end of September. Hopefully.

Humph, I going miss our little house.

Willy Nilly

I am truly a glutton for punishment. Seriously.

We are selling our house.
Not only are we selling but we moving in with my parents and building a new house.

I know. Strap on the straight jacket I'm officially a loony toon.

So, "little blue" is a cute house down from my...wait for it....wait...parents. I know, throw in a padded room for good measure.
It's 60 years old with an umbrella of trees and perfectly located kitty corner from a park.
Trees. It has trees. Lots of trees.
Sigh.
You cannot possibly underestimate the power of green. We have one itty bitty tree out front and 3 itty-er bitty-er trees out back. Now can I just say that a tree that is under 6 foot tall is not the best way to fend off the Alberta sun. Our backyard is a frying pan in the summer. HOT HOT HOT! Got trees? Done deal!

Back to little blue...my brother and dad are starting a home reno/developer business and I am their first client. They bought little blue and showed us the plans, we fell in love and wanted it. They (we) are gutting it, adding a level, wrap around porch, pillars...very Victorian-ish, very adorable, very me. The plan is make this house a keeper. Fingers crossed.

So we have to get our house ready to sell. Paint touch ups, spot clean the carpet (I say spot clean in that we will just aim for the big messes and skip over the barf, pee, dirty dog paws areas. Spot cleaning is easier than area cleaning. Note to buyer: clean carpets.) Another problem, how does one organise a Toys R Us home into looking trendy and hip? Imagine some poor bachelor, looking to buy his first house, stumbling onto this place...full on nursery complete with painted murals and every toy know to man all over the floor. Not so much of a "I could totally drink on the patio at night with the dudes" kinda ambience, right? Better hope for a cute couple with a wife that is ready to explode with child. Ya, ya. Our kind of people.

Anyways, the Real Estate agent will be here tomorrow to list. Good grief, how am I going to keep the house clean for the whole day? Seriously.

In other news...

Spent Sunday in bed with the barfs. No, not the glory of a great night out equals hangover kind of ill but more of the flu variety. Although! For the record, Kip and I did whoop it up Saturday night with a movie and drink date. A strawberry daiquiri bigger than a fishbowl...yummmmmmy....but certainly not hangover worthy. I was too full to get pissed.

So, I'm off to watch a new episode of some lame reality show. I am a reality show junkie. completely addicted.

byyyyye!

ps. The vision.

A taste of April

Clearly I do better when there is nothing to talk about. Give me a crazy month and I am immediately overwhelmed. So. I will give you a gist of my last few weeks but don't expect oodles of details. I am more of a Seinfeld kinda blogger....happy to write about nothing.

Shopping trip. Utter fun. I actually bought stuff for moi, ate/RELAXED in a restaurant without the virtual "Katie time bomb" ticking, sat in the car for hours on end without Dora in the background yelling..."Do YOU see the bridge? Where?", wore a bathing suit *gasp* and had a nice loooong hot tub....Ya, so lets just say it was a perfect "momma needs a break" kind of a trip.

Birthday. Katie is now TWO. TWO! So strange to say that because I've been using months for so long, thus "two" seems kinda plain to me now.
Her party was all about Dora. Dora cake. Dora balloons. Dora wrapping paper. Dora everything. She got a rock'n motorized car from her Grandma and Grandpa, loads of clothes, a few toys and the DVD, Nemo (which we have managed to watch no less than a thousand time already. "mine?"). She is officially The Most Spoiled Kid in Canada.
Kips dad and step mom came up from the States for the big occasion. So sweet of them! It gave Katie a chance to show off for some new faces and if it's one thing that Katie loves...its an audience!


We had a failed attempt at the whole Potty Training thing. I did the hoopla about the Dora panties, lured her with M&M's, got the book about about Dora on the potty...blah blah blah. Nothing. She wouldn't even sit on the damn potty for more than 2 seconds & peed 5 times in 1 hour ON MY CARPET. I left her in her dad's care while I went to the gym knowing full well that she'd be in a diaper when I returned. She was. Obviously she just isn't ready. Obviously we aren't ready either.
*note to self. Call carpet cleaners asap*

The Big Girl Bed transition was a much bigger success. Actually, I am surprised it went over as well as it did. All night I waited for the moment when I'd wake up to have her little face staring at me or hear the pitter patter of her destroying my house. Nope nothing. Score one for the parents!

Okay, okay. My kid beckons. Will save other events for future conversation.


Byeeeeeeee!

gotta git

My bags are packed and I am so outta here!
I am off to Great Falls for my annual shopping palooza!
Sans toddler.
Sans husband.
Just me, alone, shopping, 2 nights, 3 days.
H-e-a-v-e-n!

~sigh~

feng shui a la mommy

This is me today...shopping. Everything cute and springy and I was not inspired at all.

Here is the problem, I'm YEARS out of style. I haven't bought much for myself in the last (gasp) 3 years! I am beyond desperate for clothes!!

Anyways, it goes like like this...

Stage 1: 9 months of pregnancy. Big bellah tops and front panel pants.

Stage 2: 1-2 months post baby. Clearly still looking 6 months pregnant thus not ideal shopping time. Drag out maternity clothes. Loathe maternity clothes.

Stage 3: 2-4 months post baby. Live in sweatpants and pj's (tired and fat, who wants to leave the house?)

Stage 4: 1-2 years of losing mummy tummy and discovery channel boobs (don't want to buy fat clothes because skinny is *so* just around the corner. right? *insert sigh*)

Stage 5: starting trying to get pregnant again.

Stage 6: repeat above once you are with child

Even IF you get to your pre-pregnancy size, don't be fooled into thinking you'll just dive into those old Gap jeans again. Oh no. Things are pushed out, shoved down, droopy and saggy.

So anyways, I came home with a cranky toddler and a pair of earrings. argh.

On a brighter note, I did get my new couch today! Why new, you ask? Well, let's just say that my "old", comfy couch was in a desperate state. I don't think it was up for the toddler-doggy-husband challenge and clearly it didn't fair well after our, ummm, 5 moves. Ya.

It has been demoted to a basement couch.

The new couch, while entirely fabulous, has left the living room looking quite sparse.
I moved 'Toys R Us' downstairs and since the end tables and coffee table did nothing for my new look, they had to go too. In doing so, I now have a couch and a TV stand.
My theory in keeping THIS couch looking great is to eliminate the problem...toddler, doggy, husband. No toys, no doggy on the couch, no cable!
Ya, nothing like a sparse, uninviting living room to keep the gang away.

(note: 14 steps is a long way to go for snacks though. Is a beer fridge really THAT tacky?)

Snippets

I'm not in the mood to post today so I'll just go with a few random thoughts.


Yummy alert! Cooked this kick-ass recipe last night.

Garlic Chicken

2 teaspoons of crushed garlic
1/4 cup of olive oil
1/4 of dry bread crumbs
1/4 of grated Parmesan cheese
4 skinless, boneless chicken breasts

Preheat oven to 425F
Warm the garlic and oil to blend the flavors. In separate dish, combine the bread crumbs and parm cheese. Dip the chicken into the oil/garlic mixture, then into the bread crumb mixture. Place in shallow dish.
bake for 30-35 mins.

So yummm. So easy!

Bounce "spring orchard" is the smelliest dryer sheet I've ever come across. I actually feel the need to sniff myself randomly throughout the day.

Diet A&W is my drink of choice. No"diety" taste.

Currently reading "The Tenth Circle" by Jodi Picoult. I picked it up at Costco and after reading 10 pages I was ready to put it down; too many mentions of comic books. Don't let it fool you though! I plugged on and now I'm halfway through it! Very good.

On the topic of books...I read another amazing book a few months back, "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs. It's the kind of book that you never forget. I won't even tell you anything about it because I want you to be blindsided by its bizarreness. Anyways, the movie is on our dish so I plan on watching it tonight. AFTER...American Idol

My favorite pair of jeans is on the verge of getting a big ole hole in the crotch. Time to go shopping. Vintage is one thing but airy crotch is another.

Tax time. 'nuff said. S-T-R-E-S-S!!!!!!!!!!!

Vaseline slathered feet, covered in socks, makes for super soft footsies.

Okay...that was wierd, I know. Sometimes my brain isn't formatted for a blog. I like to talk randomly and just go with what is on my mind!

~me

Dye me.

There are very few relationships in the world where I can say...'I trust this person with my whole entire being'. Topping my list would be my husband, mom and dad, my best friends & obviously my hair stylist.
Okay, please don't tell me you just thought, 'hair stylist?' Listen, you are completely at this person's mercy to make you look fabulous. Not only fabulous but younger, sexier, skinnier, hipper & gorgeous. That is a tall order! We demand a lot and when our demands aren't delivered...well, there is nothing more devastating than a bad 'do.

So, you see where this is going.

I LOVE my hair appointments. The quiet, the gossip, the head massage, the oooh and gooo over my cute new look. Pamper me, pamper me!
I finally settled in with this gal and we've had a long term relationship for over 2 years now. This girl *gets* my hair, do you know how rare that is!?

So I had my appointment on Tuesday. We did our usually consult and she says, "lets add some blond for summer".

I was thinking that meant, 'let's add a few extra foils for a nice sun-kissed look'.
She was thinking, 'let's bleach the shit outta your hair because grandma-white is so 'in' right now.'

Clearly we were not on the same page.

So she globs the dye on, wraps me up in tin foil and leaves me to process under the dryer.

The reveal. Always so dramatic, even if it's just a root job. I guess I was a little too experimental back in the day because I always hold my breath...towel is off....exhale. It's good!

This time, I don't think I exhaled. I believe my eyes did pop out of my head, my chin no doubt hit the ground and I'm sure I probably gasped.
It was white. White. Okay, to be fair...the top was white, the back was brown. So not cute. Not cute at all.

So, how to handle this situation. So awkward. Do I say I hate it?
Maybe it will look better dry? Ahhh...
Okay, maybe better styled? Nope.
I'll take a peek in the window, natural light, right? Damn.
Time to pay. Panic!
Time to go. Crap! I'm leaving...leaving with my granny dye job and I'm not saying anything.
"Thanks! See you in a few!"
Really, did I say that? No! No! Say you hate it! You looooathe! You aren't leaving the salon until she fixes it! Demand her to fix it!

I left.

Why can't I just say, this looks horrible. I mean, its MY hair. I PAY for the service & I'm not happy. But for some reason I can't spit out the words...

I-Don't-Like-It

Let's just say that meaning behind the comment, "wow, you got your hair done" was not lost upon me. I called my stylist the next day to have her fix it.

In all fairness she was uber cool about the whole thing. She squeezed me in for my fix and put new colors in to tone down the white. She also explained that the dye was new and apparently "self tones" really fast on my hair. Really?
After 2 more rounds of foils, a burning scalp and gobs of leave-in condition I left looking more like me. Crispy, but me.

So I encourage you women of the 2000's...let us unite! Let us stand up and say NO to bad dye jobs and hack job trims for each and everyone of us deserves a gorgeous mane!

okay...well bring a friend who will say it for ya.

Signing off,
Cruella Deville

My brain is full

I cannot seem to get in the groove with this post.
Maybe it's because I'm still knee deep in laundry, my house is a disaster, Katie barfed in Totem this weekend (sadly, we were right beside the popcorn stand), Kip is sick now...

"What do you do?". "I clean up my families barf. I'm a barf cleaner".

So moving on...

I've been brainstorming on career ideas. I know, I have 2 years left of my severance package so why panic? Well, I want to be realistic about reentering the work force. I NEED a plan.

So, option A.
Get a job in the Medical Office field. My mom could train me, I'd have easy hours to work around Katie, good holidays. Safest and most stable of options.

Option B.
Go and do the LPN course and work on the delivery/baby ward. This is my ideal but the cost of school, daycare etc would be WAY more than we could handle. I had actually took my severance package with the airlines to do this but we found out I was pg that same month. Ironic huh?

Option C.
Real Estate. I know....so out in left field! My brother brought this up at dinner last night & thought I'd do really well. Coming from Jeff...that is a BIG compliment! They offer evening/Saturday classes at the college, its expensive up front and no doubt tricky to get going. Plus there is the whole boom bust thing. Still, I think I could pull off.

Option D
Had a dream that I owned a Wedding Pavilion with my girlfriend Amber. I got married at this one and have always thought it would be right up my alley to own and run something similar. So expensive to start and your weekends are shot but still...would be amazing!

These ideas of course depend on WHEN and IF I got pg. The whole maybe baby#2 seems to be leaving me in limbo. I want to start down my career path BEFORE my severance runs out so that IF I have to go to school I have money coming in. BUT. I want to be at home for as long as possible with baby #2.
If we conceived right now, I'd have 9 months to be pg and 1 year & 3 months at home with baby. So IF I did need to go to school, I'd have to do it while baby #2 was under 1. Seriously, I couldn't string a sentence together for an entire year after Katie was born... much less write a paper. The longer it takes to get pg...the longer things are put on hold. I don't want to get into something only to have to drop it while I have a child and all. You know, one thing at a time.

Anyways...that is all my deep thoughts for the day. Boring, I know. Sassy momma coming back at you next post. I had to get all these thoughts out so I'd quit dreaming about placenta's, new houses and bridezillas!!

**I've heard that some of you can't leave comments. Anyone know how to fix this problem? I love comments!**

muah!

Sweat Dots

"If there is a Nicole in class, you need to come and get your daughter right away!"

Everyone scans the class to see which mommy will make the beeline to the "child minding" centre. Today, that mommy would be me.
I can hear Katie before I even open the door.
She is holding onto a volunteers pant leg while the poor lady bounces yet another howling child on her lap. The gal gives me a look that reads, 'shoot me, shoot me now'.

(I do feel for the girl but, it's a little hard to be sympathetic knowing she actually VOUNTEERS to work in the child minding center. Is the $35/month that you save on membership fees really worth the pounding headache you are rewarded with? Really?)

Katie sees me and instantly turns it up a notch. Her face is all blotchy (just like her mamma, we don't cry cute) and there is lovely streak of snot sprawled across her cheek. I flee from the room and go to put my steps and weights away.
Instantly the charm is turned on. Katie is all smiles and shows off for the dozens of ladies putting away their equipment.
Typical Katie.

Aside from that, I actually had a good workout. Step class rocks! It's the closest I've come to reliving my dance days without having to actually sport pink tights and ballet slippers. Somehow I doubt that ballet shoes would look all that dainty on my size 9 1/2 feet (note: my feet grew 1 full size when I was pregnant!!) and I KNOW that pink tights would be a horrific on every level. I'd be all muffin top & rolls!!
The best part of the class is the when the sweat drips from your hair and lands on your shoulders or better yet, the floor. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a perfectly round sweat dot that your sweaty self made. If you don't work out then I'm sure that you are horrified right now...if you do, I know you are giving me a virtual high five and yelling "ya sista!" at your computer.

Aim for sweat dots.

Well, have fabulous weekend readers! I'm out!

S.O.S

cabin fever
–noun
a state characterized by anxiety, restlessness, and boredom, arising from a prolonged stay in a remote or confined place.

Um, ya. I think momma's gone mad. If CNN features a crazy women running down the freeway, nude, drink in hand, screaming like a banshee...that would be me.

I am a barf and an "Elmo's World" away from blogging via a padded cell.

H-E-L-P! Send Vodka!

soda crackers & ginger ale....again?

9 blankets
4 crib sheets
3 pillows
2 Elmo's
1 Cookie Monster
1 Tiger
a zillion towels
5 loads of laundry


...thats the breakdown of items directly involved in the "barf-o-rama"
part 129, 975 last night.

Yup...Katie is barfy. Again. This blog is turning out to be a marathon of barf stories. Sorry. Welcome to motherhood.

I canceled all our play dates for the week. Had to skip the gym this morning which sucked. I'm really on a roll and hate the thought of missing even one day...might screw up my motivation mojo. Maybe I'll make it to a class tonight...probably not though. See that's the problem with not doing your workouts first thing in the morning, you have a full day to come up with the perfect excuse not to go!

Anyways, Katie is having a nap (see, told you she was sick!) and I should grab one too. Unfortunately its only 10:15 and I am still feeling the effects from my coffee buzz. I'm sure once my eyelids droop she'll be up. Murphy's law.

Well. My mountain of laundry is calling my name. Must attack it & get ready for the next round.

Ding, Ding, Ding!

with a Baa & a Moo & a Cock-a-doodle doo!

Clearly hell has frozen over...my daughter is actually having a nap! Not only that but (!!) she actually ASKED to have a nap! *insert jawdrop here*
We were coming home from gymnastics and she kept saying, "I need nap. I need nap". So I plopped her in bed and she went to sleep!

~~~hallelujah~~~

I never thought I'd see another nap again.


So we made a trek to the zoo this weekend. So fun! The weather was unbelievably gorgeous and most of the animals were out for our viewing pleasure. Katie really got a kick out of the monkeys and the hippo but was mostly interested in the mud puddles. Yup, good thing momma is super smart and brought an extra pair of pants. On the flip side, too bad she didn't think to bring extra socks and shoes...Katie had to sport her slippers for our post-zoo activities.


wah wah wah.

Katie is up. I got a 30 min nap. What a tease.

byyyyyyye!

blog interrupted

*crickets* *crickets*

Okay, smack me. I took a very unexpected technical hiatus.

So, I'm all excited to move into the new computer room, get everything set up and (drum roll please) go to plug in my computer.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ'h
Electrocution over here. Ummm, ya. A huge spark came flying from the outlet and was surely going to burn the house down or in the very least singe off my over-processed hair. So dramatic! Very 4th of July-ish.
Anyways, I fried the on/off thingy. Thus, no 'puter.

sigh.

Then, Kip and Katie got the flu last week. The barfy variety, projectile, in case you need a visual. Next time I sign up for this mommy/wife thing...I'm putting a "I don't do barf" clause in the agreement. Nasty!

Needless to say, I don't have much excitement to report at this time. I shall fill the empty space with Katie.

I'm out.

...could those pictures BE any smaller?

Just a big ole boob

Okay...got a sneak peek at the breast tests!

The surgeon's office here in town accessed my tests through radiology and gave me my results early...oh ya, I know people y'all. shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

diagnoses: dense breasts

Come'on now! Do I hear a "WOOT WOOT"!!!

Woot, Woot!
Here we go now!
Woot, Woot!
*insert happy dance*


I still have to go to my appointment because I may need to have this thing lopped off. But yippee that at least it's nothing serious!


In other Nicole news....


"A temper tantrum of epic proportions."
Last night, in the midst of teething, no napping and just all round crabbiness...my dad and I FOOLISHLY think it is a GOOD idea to actually leave the house with...

dun dun dunnnnn

Katie.

Um, ya. I don't learn. So happy, happy ice cream time turned into a full on melt down and not from any drippy cones.
I do NOT want my kid to the one running around the Dairy Queen, watching people eat (oooh, I hate that), climbing the benches, screaming or screeching (or both), laying on the floor and doing all things naughty. Nope, not my kid please.
Oh ya, that was so my kid!
Nightmare.

If it was bad, she did it. I was trying to get her to sit in the chair, eat, smile and not make me die a miserable death due to lack of blood to my extremities. Every last drop of blood, in my cheeks. Red. Crimson red.
So there is my Katie, laid out on the dirty DQ floor. Sobbing and crying and sobbing and crying. I ignore her and munch on my burger. Thinking...

"How fast can I scoff back this burger & get to the car before I actually loose in front of all these people?"
"Stop staring at me you idiots!"
"Eat your damn burger dad. Huuuuuurry!"
"Yup, she is totally going to bash her head on the floor and I'm going to have to clean up the blood with wee DQ napkins"
"great. snot everywhere"
"anyone got a gun? anyone? anyone?"

So after our 30 second meal I drag her by her arm (surely pulling it out of its socket) and head directly to the car.

As we leave, Katie gives everyone this big ole grin and says:

"Byyyyyyye! Byyyyyyye!"
*insert queen wave*

Yup, says good-bye to everyone in the restaurant as though nothing had happened.
Ooooooh, the nerve of a toddler!





Bailey, gunsliger of the Wild West
I had gotten home from the gym this morning and thought that since it was 2'c (ya!) I would take Bailey to the "park" and throw her the ball. So I load up fat Bee and off we go.
The "park" is actually a dirt road behind our house where the neighbors let their dogs run off leash. Bailey has too much girth to run but enjoys a good ole game of 'throw the ball'.

On the first throw we loose the ball. Seriously, what dog cannot sniff out a ball in a 3 inch snowdrift? So there's me, digging in the snow, probably in pee, looking for the damn fluorescent yellow ball.
No luck.
Since its a sheet of ice and Katie has done more that one face plant I have an idea.
Let fatso run beside the car. I've never done this before...for obvious reasons but there is no way I'm taking Bailey home hyped up with no exercise.
So Katie and I get in the car.

"Come'on Bee. Run! Go Bee, Go!"

Bailey, standing at my door. Head to the side. "Huh?"

I start moving an inch.

Bailey darts in front of the car. Stands there looking at us.

"Run Bee!"

Looks at me.

"Run Bee!"

Looking.

Oh for the love...of coarse Katie thinks this is hilarious and is laughing so hard I swear she peed her pants.

How do I get this dog to run and not sit in front of my car? I inch forward, she doesn't back down. It's a Western gunsling. Me verses Bee.

Dee deedee deeee...waaaah waaaah waah
Dee deedee deeee...waaah waaaah wAAAH!


Okay, did you get my western music bit there?

So she didn't move. I had to load her up and take her home...super sad, super hyper.
Honestly, did you know that there were some sort of skill required to get your dog to run along the car? I didn't.


So that's it folks.
Stay tuned next week for details of my anniversary date. Hubba Hubba!

later gators!

Wanna see what we look like!?
Katie has such a dorky expression on her face. Seriously.

Today is Valentines Day.
woop-tee-doo

I am spending this Hallmark occasion alone as Kip is working tonight. I am going to get in my pj's, watch TV and become one with the couch. Perfect huh?

This weekend we'll romance it up. It's our 6th wedding anniversary! Hubba, hubba!! Momma wants some loving. Well, actually...momma wants a break from being a momma and vodka. Lotsa, lotsa vodka. Or wine. Doesn't matter. I'll be freeeeeeeeeeee!

Okay. Yawn, I know. My fingers are cold and my couch is saying,
"lay with me you sexy bitch".

Tah Tah!

Squashed

It's boobie day!

Nothing like starting out your day knowing that your going to be felt up and not in the "backseat of the car" kinda way. However, interestingly enough, the prep work is the same. Shave pits, lotion, perfume. Nice bra. Cute top.
Too bad the results aren't as satisfying as a good ole make out session a la teen years.

My doctor was great. Cold hands though. Icicles.

She did feel the lump...only after I showed her where it was though. I guess I have lumpy boobs. Wonder if that was put on my chart?

Diagnosis. lumpy breasts.

Anyways, she just said that lumpy breasts were common after having babies and it just makes it harder to check for the suspicious variety.
She scheduled me for a mammogram and "squeezed" in for this afternoon.


The squash.

Why everyone says it hurts so much is beyond me. Mind you, the tech did say I had a very high pain tolerance and that she was able to get the maximum squish necessary to get good, clear pictures. Yay me! She also said that because the lump moves I should consider it a good sign. Again, a yay!
They took 4 pictures. You get a front squish and a side squash. They flop your girls on the table and literally press the machine down until you say you can't take it anymore. They take the picture fast and then move on to the next angle. Not much to tell really...it was a pretty easy procedure.
I would normally get the results in a week but since my doctor is away I have to wait 2.
That is a long time when one's boobs, be it that they are a lumpy mess, are on the line...doncha think?

So until 14 days pass...

Let's move on!

lumps and bumps

Okay, so I found a pea sized lump on my boob. Eeeek! I made an appointment for Tuesday to get it looked at...just in case.
Very hard to do a breast examine post baby. Things are just not as firm, ya know? My skin is so stretchy and my girls are look'n so "Discovery Channel"-ish now.

sigh.

I wish I would have appreciated my former perky boobs more. I would have done way more to get them noticed. Low cut shirts, bikini tops... BAM, there is Nicole's boobs! niiiiiiiiiice.

Now, I can hardly squeeze them into my L-XL tops!

38 D. Um, ya.

So back to my lump. We got a recent update on an X-girlfriend of Kips. Her name is Jenny and she was on Survivor back in 2005. I remember this because I had to watch her bounce all over the beach in a itty bitty bikini while I was ready to birth my kid. Her perky boobs verses my milking hooters...pass the vodka 'k?
Ironically, turns out she had breast cancer. She lost both her breasts and battled the cancer for 2 years and is now "out of the woods".
So, I was reminded that I am NOT too young for breast cancer and did my not so monthly test.

Lump.

(are you going your breast examines right now? I'll kick some ass if you aren't!)

Anyways, I'll pass on my results come Tuesday. In the meantime, eek out a prayer for me 'k?

~me


Link if you need a visual of Jenny.

http://www.realitytvworld.com/realitytvdb/jennifer-lyon/person-314


http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/survivor-palau-castaway-jennifer-lyon-reveals-she-has-breast-cancer-3760.php

Personal Lubricant

So Kip and I aren't the most fertile people. We take a LONG time to get pregnant and so are not the couple that can get pregnant by sharing soap.
Katie was 2 years...granted most of that time was spent on layovers and split between 2 countries but still...'Baby on the brain' is 'baby on the brain', being on opposite sides of the countries is just a technicality.

So we are trying...again. I got the ole IUD taken out this summer and we've been "not, not trying" for a few months now.

There are two approaches to getting knocked up...

Business or pleasure.

Pleasure sounds great in theory. However, ask anyone who has tried this approach for more than 4 months and they will be quick to tell you that that theory sucks ass. There is nothing fun OR pleasurable about trying to make a baby.

So pleasure isn't panning out over here...lets try business the approach.

Charts, temping, vitamins...you name it. I'm on it! My latest baby making method is a spit test. umm, ya. You spit on a microscope and when you ovulate your spit forms crystal/fern like thingys.
I should mention here that I am not a plant person. I kill plants. Kill them!
Microscopes? Again, not so into science, I was more of a "lunch" kind of student.
Alas, all in the name of pregnancy! I shall spit my way to pregnancy!
Okay...so I order me up some Ovulite (spit test) on Ebay and "Oh Joy!!"

"Buy now and get 5 tubes of Pre-Seed...FREE!"

Score!

Pre-seed is "sperm friendly" lube that makes everything slippery for the little suckers to move about. Its horrible expensive but comes highly recommended. (side note: I guess KY is like DEATH to sperm. Sheesh, who knew?)

Now the wait...
waiting...
waiting...
Hey? Where is ma damn lube?

Phone call from Kips mom. She tells Kip there is a package for me.

Me: (duh. DUUUUUH!!!!). "Ask her to open it!"
Kips mom, Linda, gets package. Father-in-law, Jim, takes over conversation.

Opening said package.

Mom in background says- "looks like something for your spit? A spit test? No, no. Its an ovulation predictor kit."
Jim tells Kip- "its an ovulation thing"
Mom again. "Wait. There is a bunch of other boxes. Let me get my glasses. Um, personal something? Seeds? Oh, its personal lubricant"
Kip, dying on the phone. Me dying.
Jim- "it's what Linda?"
Linda- "it's personal lubricant"
Jim- "what?"
Linda- "p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l lllllllll-u-b-r-i-c-a-n-t"
Jim-"oh?" (insert hysteric laughter)"OH!"
"Kip, looks like there is personal lubricant in there too"


Kill me. Kill me now!

Umm ya. My in-laws found our lube. Yup, lotsa sex...need lube. Tubes and tubes of lube.

The moral here is obvious. Check your mailing address before ordering online!!!


Sincerely,
your Grease Monkey

Picture this.

Its is so nice here, like 10'c. Kip is working nights so I try to be MIA so he can sleep during the day (or at least attempt to).
After a great visit this morning with an old friend, lunch and Dora... I still had to kill a few hours before nap time.
A walk!
Yup, drag the stroller out of the garage, dust off all the sawdust, grab hats and coats last minute...off we go.
Starts out fantastic! Katie and I are chatting, Bailey prancing beside us, sun on our faces...
We round the school and turn around to head home.

Then the wind picks up.

Not only "pick up" but turns into a full on hurricane.

So there is me, nosing running like a tap (this damn cold), hair wiping in my face, Bailey pulling me all over the place to get the ball she keeps dropping, Katie drinking Booster juice (Blueberry...smart one momma) as it drips down her hand and pools on her coat. I was trying to keep her hat so that her ears were covered but since it was supposed to be a "Nice Day" I didn't bring the one that had ear flaps. Of course.
It was blowing so hard that I literally could hardly push the stroller.

Seriously, I looked like a lunatic. I was nearly to the point of sitting down on the sidewalk and crying. Nearly.

Man, my days are so high and low lately.
Intensely rotten and intensely wonderful all at the same time.

ummm, ya...momma needs vodka. Make it a double.

life is sometimes cruel

We got a call last night that Kip's cousin killed his 9 year daughter.

He took Madison and a bunch of teenager's sledding at 9:00 at night. He was pulling her and a teen behind his truck in a school yard, he tried to make a sharp turn and the sled flew into a brick bench. Madison died of head and chest trauma. He had been drinking. Ya. Drinking.

Anyways, I'll link the story if you want to read but please hug your kids today & tell them that you love them. Also, I can't IMAGINE what is in store for this family. Please keep them in your prayers.

http://www.king5.com/localnews/stories/NW_011707WABfataltubingaxKC.4e31c365.html

www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_011807_news_inner_tube_death_update.51c29811.html

setting the scene

Warning: This blog shall encompass most, if not all bodily functions. If you suffer from a weak stomach I shall suggest you move along.

My name is Nicole and I am a stay at home mom.

dull
dull
dull

Okay, I know you are getting ready to yawn but wait! I promise I'll try to remain as un-stay-at-home-mommy-ish as possible. I'll leave out the yawn...well, for the most part and bring out the yippee in my day to day life. "Momma needs vodka" is my way of sharing the reality of staying at home with your kid. I don't sugar coat and I don't beat around the bush. I hope you find that a refreshing change and enjoy the peak into our lives.

So my kid is sleeping. Well, I think she is. I put her in her crib and loaded her up with milk (skipped the Tylenol this time...ahemmm) and shut the door. I'm in my Oasis. The laundry room. ya, ya. We are developing the basement and as an "in the meantime" solution I plopped my computer amongst the dirty knickers and barfy tees. Nice, right?

Us...

Katie is my kid. 20 months old, horribly cute (and do I dare say, a dead ringer for her mom...wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and has an attitude like nobody's business (certainly inherited from her dad) She is the love of my life. She is my life.

Kip is my hubby. 37. Again, horribly cute. Less attitude, more humour. The calm in the family.

Bailey. 3 year Boxer. Frighteningly overweight, yet still cute. Official Hoover for our household.

Me. 31. Retired flight attendant. Stay at home mom who is dabbling in a gift basket business to stave off craziness. I'm glue, the pants, the ruler of the house! I am the Queen.


So, that's US.

I hope you enjoy the blog. I welcome all comments, suggestions, drink recipes...

later gators.